The Problem With Your Penis

Let’s face it: most of you are lucky if you’re even average looking. You’re blog readers for Christ’ sake! But just like Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp, you also have a penis. The problem with it though is that it cannot tell whether it belongs to Giacomo Casanova or Joe the plumber. If it could it would stop wanting to be inside women that look like Angelina Jolie because it would realize how futile that is. Unfortunately, your penis is blind to who you are and how you look. And that is not to say that you are uglier than Casanova. The man looked like a hamster. But he spoke Italian, German and French, was a writer, traveled well outside of his birthplace and even escaped from prison once. So while you think it’s fine to wear white socks with dark colored pants, gay to wear briefs and cool to drink beer out of a bottle, your poor penis keeps getting frustrated with the distance that will forever be between you and that perfect woman.

Suddenly I’m back when I was fourteen. I remember being a very awkward kid and hopelessly in love with a girl of high society. Or was it her coat? “It’s a Jil Sander”, she told me with disgust but all was a blur as my senses were overloaded by the sheer deep purple velvet that ran down only to meet what must’ve been mink fur accentuating the bottom of her coat.  I had no money and no chance of winning her affection so it was a stroke of fate when an old eccentric woman took me under her wing to teach me the art of possessing a woman’s soul. It was rumored that she was once a famous actress who had broken a thousand hearts and went crazy from never finding her true love. I spent months scrubbing her floors and giving her uncomfortable baths, yet each evening she would teach me the art of seduction. The year was almost over when I finally conquered the girl I was in love with and bewitched her into my bed. It was only later that I found out she was actually a whore who slept with everyone she met in order to get back at her controlling father. Nonetheless my life changed at fourteen. Ever since there has not been a woman who could resist me. From the wives of state senators to the indigenous Matipu women of the Brazilian rainforest I have yet to experience what it means for a woman to not be interested in being my lover.

What is to come in these future blogs isn’t your run of the mill conventional dating techniques and approaches that have inundated the web with the expensive ‘seminars’ and quick tips of self-professed Casanovas. These idiotic looking losers with a t-shirt and baseball cap on that ooze confidence in front of their open-mouthed Dungeons and Dragons addicted crowd give you nothing more than a chance at success with a sex deprived Sarah Jessica Parker look-alike or a marginally attractive attention whore.  This isn’t about getting a woman’s phone number or getting her into bed for a few nights. This is about getting the woman that you want to unconditionally submit and give herself to you. This is about sleeping with a woman of depth and substance that smells weasels a mile away. This is about converting hot looking lesbians into penis worshipers. Now are we going to use her childhood traumas against her? Of course. Are we going to turn her on with a little bit of physical force? Only when the timing is right. Is there lying involved? Not if you believe it’s true. But we’re skipping way ahead. Keep posted as we will soon begin to discuss the essentials: image, substance and understanding the female. Oh and don’t worry you’re in safe hands. Didn’t I mention it?  I’m also a doctor…

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2 Responses to The Problem With Your Penis

  1. Lovers Fix says:

    Interesting stuff.

    What do you think of these self described “pick up artists”? Guys like Mystery, Style (Neil Strauss), Tyler Durden, Vin DiCarlo, David DeAngelo, etc. Every time I’ve come across one of their sites, I feel embarrassed for the guys that fall for their sales scripts, and don’t get me started on some of these monikers; did a guy really name himself after a character from fight club. . .

  2. LOL says:

    so funny, so true, some chick on loveshack just posted a link to this, she seems pretty offended

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